Chapter One: Shadow-Self
Zolt
I ran my hand along her naked arm as I moved toward the bindings
that had her securely fastened to my wrought iron, four-poster bed. She’d been tethered
there for over thirty minutes, and now that the sex was over, I imagined her arms and legs were
probably beginning to ache as the adrenaline left her body.
Miss No-Name Brunette rubbed her arms and legs after I released
her. I didn’t need or want to know her name. I’d never see her again so what was the point. She watched me gather my clothes, and her eyes roaming
appreciatively over my body. “So, John, when can I see you again? You’re amazing.” She licked her
plump lips as her eyes traveled over my naked body, stopping when she noticed the nasty
scars on my left shin. Small gray eyes darted to mine, and I saw the pity setting in. Pity was a deal
breaker for me.
“We can’t,” I said and threw her clothes on the bed.
“Why?” Her bottom lip jutted out in disappointment. “Didn’t you
enjoy yourself? You seemed to be having a great time.”
“It was fine, uh—”
“Nancy. My name is Nancy.”
I shrugged. “Right. Nancy. I don’t do repeat performances. Ever.”
“But—”
“Don’t take it personally. It’s just the way things are.”
Her eyes narrowed, and she scowled at me. Then, she climbed off
the bed and pulled on her
clothes. “I don’t understand. Are you married or something?”
“Nope. Not married or anything else that concerns you. I’m just not
interested. Tonight was great. Really. I enjoyed the shit out of myself. Fucking you was
exactly what I needed. Thanks.”
“How am I supposed to get home? I left my car at the club,” she
whined.
“There’s a cab waiting to take you anywhere you want. I’ve already
paid the fare.” I shrugged again. This was the bothersome part of operating this way. They
always wanted to see me again, and
my answer was always no. “I should have known when you wouldn’t kiss me there was
something wrong with you. I bet your name isn’t even John. Do you even live here?” Whatever-
her-name yanked on her shoes, and then stood with her arms crossed over her chest.
“No, I don’t live here. And, darlin’, my name is whatever you want it
to be.”
“Asshole.”
“Come on, now. We both had fun.” I flashed her my megawatt smile.
“I’m pretty sure you came at least three times. It’s all good, and now, it’s all over.”
I walked to her side and gently took her arm, guiding her to the
door.
“But I let you restrain me!” She stamped her foot as I opened the
front door.
“You did and wasn’t it fun? Maybe you can find a man that will be as
adventurous. Now, off you go, Sally. Bye, bye.”
“Nancy!” she shouted as I closed the door on her. I could still hear
grumbling as she walked away.
“Ugh.” Leaning against the door, I let out a long sigh. It would be a
while before I could go back to that club. Too bad it ended the same every time. But I
understood why. Women saw me as a
catch. I knew I was attractive. It wasn’t conceit, either. It was a fact
of life that all men of the Hamil
family were hot.
My first year in the NFL, I was on the cover of Sports Illustrated as
the Sexiest Man in
Football. That cover, and the other endorsements I had, made me a
nice amount of cash, so I was
totally good with being an object of desire. Since they didn’t really
know me, they didn’t know that I
was nowhere as attractive on the inside.
I went back to the bedroom, washed and put the toys away, locking
the drawer. Then, I
stripped the bed, piling the sheets on the floor for the maid service
to take care of.
I left, not knowing when I'd come back. Could be the following day.
Could be two weeks
from now. But tonight, I’d been out of fucking control—chomping at
the bit to blow off some
steam. In fact, I still hummed with energy.
Fuck!
My shadow-self pressed in on me for days. When I got like this, only
one thing helped:
acting out. So, I’d gone to the club in search of the first remotely
available Nancy, Sally, or whoever,
that didn’t revolt me. Nancy had been an easy mark. I hadn’t been
there ten minutes before I’d bought her a drink, and we were out the door, heading to the
apartment I kept specifically for this purpose. I was always happy when I found a woman willing to dabble
in a little bondage. I wasn’t heavily into the BDSM scene, but knew how to wield pain for the
ultimate pleasure.
If I stopped and thought about it, I’d be forced to acknowledged just
how screwed up my life had become. So I didn't. I didn't think about all the nameless
women I had fucked in the last six years, and how I hadn't been in a relationship since the injury. These
exchanges served a purpose. Beyond that? Well, there was nothing beyond that.
But that didn’t mean I had become so jaded I’d forgotten how to get
a woman off. I enjoyed women. Loved the soft curves of their body, and loved making them
come. There was nothing hotter than watching a woman writhe and squirm as I fucked her
closer to orgasm. The sound of her screaming what she thought was my name was music to my ears, but
that was as far as it went.
The reality was, I was a mess, and I didn't want that advertised.
Actually, I was far worse than just a mess; I was fucking broken.
Sometimes, I wondered if I was even capable of having a normal
relationship. Truth was, I
waited for someone that didn't exist. A woman my pain-wracked
brain conjured that day on the
football field. To make matters worse, she wasn’t even of age. She
was a young woman, maybe
fifteen or sixteen, with the most beautiful sable-brown eyes and
blonde hair I’d ever seen. Her face
was sweet, kind, and compassion filled. I realized how creepy this
sounds. I wasn't a sick fuck who
preyed on young girls, and I had no idea why my mind created her.
But all I knew was, if I ever
discovered she was real, I’d do anything to have her.
I rubbed my aching leg, and then climbed into my Viper. God, I loved
this car. She was all
power and beauty, and driving her made me happy. I revved the
engine and closed my eyes, loving
the purr, and sometimes roar of her V10.
Once on route 101, I opened her up, pushing her past the century
mark on the speedometer.
It was crazy to be weaving in and out of traffic on the main freeway. I
was asking to be pulled over,
but again, I didn't care. In fact, I pressed her harder and watched as
the needle climbed to 110. The concentration it took to control this machine exhilarated me. Still
wound up and looking to banish
my shadow-self the only way I knew how, I pushed her just a little
more. Why fucking for over an hour didn’t do the trick, I had no idea. But if I didn’t burn this energy
off before I got home, sleep
would be out of reach. It wouldn’t do to start a new job at one of the
country’s most prestigious law firms red-eyed and tired. Once home, I intended to take a long, hot
shower, and then smoke a few bowls. Hopefully, I’d emerge tired enough to sleep. For a while,
maybe I’d find peace until the nightmare returned that plunged me into my own personal hell.
A hell that I was used to. A hell that only she brought me out of.
The morning announced itself in its usual fashion. I jolted awake
screaming, and drenched in
sweat—the images as clear as the day they happened.
“Fuck!” I yelled to the empty room.
Pushing myself back against the headboard, I rubbed my leg, trying
to make the pain go
away. The image of her lovely face and those amazing sable-brown
eyes chased the nightmare away,
but my body still buzzed with the memories.
I looked over at the bong and lighter on my bedside table and sighed.
Just once, I wished I
didn’t have to numb myself to start the day.
Before giving in, I ran my hand over my damp collar-length hair,
removing the waves
sticking to my moist neck. I used to keep it short for this very reason,
but I liked the way it looked
longer.
As I always did, I picked up the bong and lit the bowl with the lighter.
The glow of the
burning weed, and the sound of the bong gurgling as I took a hit
immediately calmed me. I inhaled
deep and held the smoke in my burning lungs.
My long exhale sent a plume of smoke into the dawn-lit room. It
floated for a second before dissipating, leaving behind the tangy smell of burning weed.
With my eyes closed, I slowed my heart rate and rapid breathing. The
high kicked in, and I
already felt the calm take over. I hated being so weak, and hated that
what happened almost six years ago continued to affect and define my days. I used to be the epitome
of discipline. Not anymore.
If I could let go of the self-blame, then maybe the dreams would
abate. But night after night,
I replayed the game and its never changing end.
At twenty-two, I had been one of the hottest quarterbacks in the
NFL, playing for the Arizona Cardinals. The year prior, we’d made it to the NFC
Championships, losing by a field goal. The next year, we were back in the same position, with the golden
ticket to the Super Bowl within our reach. The only thing standing in our way was the
Philadelphia Eagles. I snarled as I thought about that team. I always snarled at the thought of them.
Two minutes remained on the clock, and we were on the ten-yard
line on third down. I dropped into the pocket, searching the field for an open receiver. I
danced this way and that as if my movements might slow the clock. With no receiver available, I sucked
in a breath and decided to go for it. What I should have done was thrown it out of bounds and
stopped the clock. That would have been the smart move—the safe move. We had one more
chance. I had to make it happen. The year had to end in a run for the Super Bowl.
Running like a man on fire with the ball cradled against me as if I
carried a newborn baby, I
headed for the end zone. But I wasn't a running back, that wasn't
what I had been trained for.
Stupidly, I ran with my head down instead of up. As a result, I didn’t
see the three-hundred pound
linebacker heading my way. I was the man with the ball, and I had
left the protection of my
offensive line, which made me fair game.
The next thing I knew, I was laid out on the ground in extreme pain.
When I looked down at
my left leg, I was surprised—and not—to see it angled in an
unnatural position. I knew then that I was well and truly fucked.
I tried to scream, but my voice failed me. Pain and the smell of the
turf below me was all there was.
The hit was dirty, straight up. Later, I found out a bounty of $5,000
had been issued for any player that took out one of my knees. I hoped he got a bonus
because he’d gone above and beyond his mandate. Not only did I miss a season, my football career was
over. Instead of taking out my knee, his helmet, and the power behind it, hit my shin and shattered
my tibia and fibula. I remembered lying on the ground as the trainers and medical staff
attended me. Chaos had broken out around me. Players fought, and coaches and referees
argued.
I needed to find peace from the commotion; needed to concentrate
on something other than the excruciating pain coming from my leg. I turned my head and
found a pair of big, sable-brown eyes, surrounded by golden-blonde hair, staring at me. She was
beyond beautiful, and her eyes were mesmerizing. I had conjured an angel.
In my hallucination, we shared an instant connection. When all
around I saw pity and remorse, in her eyes, I found solace and compassion—a kindred soul
to my loss. The need to help, and her inability not to, showed in the tears falling down her face,
and the trembling of her full red lips. My heart still clenched whenever I thought about it.
As conjurings go, I had created a whopper. When I thought back on
it, I knew there was no way she could be real. The average person wouldn’t have been
allowed to get so close to an injured player on the field. Hell, my girlfriend, who’d been sitting in the
stands, wasn’t allowed on the field.
It still baffled the shit out of me that my mind had created such a
vivid image.
I could still see her brushing tears from her eyes in my hallucination,
and I remember her taking a small step forward. I wanted her to come closer, to touch
me. That was where the hallucination ended, stopped by a new streak of pain that had
traveled through my leg, sending me into momentary blackness. When I opened my eyes, my blonde-
haired beauty with soul-filled eyes had disappeared. All I had left was the image of her that pulled me
from my terror every morning. I figured she’d probably be around twenty or twenty-one by now if
she were real. I’d admit, that even today, I looked for those eyes in every blonde I encountered.
Pathetic. Yeah. Too fucking pathetic.
I sighed and took two more hits off the bong. Maybe one too many,
but at least now I felt more balanced, controlled, and ready to start the day.
What the world saw now was a man who graduated from Harvard
Law School, summa cum laude, and worked for almost three years at a top law firm in Boston.
Some of the country's top law firms had courted me, and I had my pick of firms. But I decided to
come back to Arizona, the place where my life changed forever. Gingerly, I climbed out of the bed and headed for the pool. I didn’t
bother putting on swim trunks; swimming naked was awesome. After a few stretches, I dove
into the pool and swam laps for an hour. Swimming kept me in shape, though not the shape of an
NFL football player. Those days were gone.
Finishing my laps, I headed for the shower, feeling excited, like
something huge would happen today. The last time I had this feeling, something huge
happened all right. I looked at my leg and scowled as sudsy water washed over my angry scars.
I dried off and walked into my closet, surveying the suits I had to
choose from. I was somewhat of a clotheshorse—always had been. Today, I picked a
black Hugo Boss suit, white shirt, and black, silk tie. In the mirror before me, I watched a professional,
seemingly together man tie his tie. It was a lie of course, but one I was used to.
Once dressed, I went to the kitchen and packed up a brownie in a
plastic bag to take with me. I'd gotten good at baking brownies. But these weren't just any
chocolaty treats. These had a kick. Cliché I know, but hey, whatever got me through the day.
Whether I’d partake in it depended on how the day went. Obviously, smoking at work wasn’t a good
idea. But every now and then, the pain became unbearable. If a handful of ibuprofen didn’t do the trick,
the brownie would. I refused to take pain meds. Those things did a number on my brain.
I put the brownies away, and all the paraphernalia of my coping
mechanism, and locked them in a cabinet in the pantry. I didn't need Hannah, my
housekeeper, finding them. She probably wouldn't care, but I did.
Thinking of Hannah made me laugh. I'd only met her twice, but we
had developed an odd, sometimes hilarious, texting relationship. I really liked her. Her
cooking was amazing, and she kept my home perfect.
Her work was about to increase, and I was thrilled. My brother was
bringing my dog, Ben, home to me. He had been with Brody in Colorado for the last two
months while I got settled. I couldn't wait to see both of them. Thinking about it made me giddy. I
knew Ben would love it here.
There was plenty of room for him to run. Bernese Mountain dogs
needed lots of exercise. I almost didn’t get him because of that. Now, I couldn’t imagine my life
without him. He got my ass outside and stopped me from being such a hermit. If I thought about the fact
that my best friend was a dog, I would get bummed. But then again, fuck it! I loved my dog, and I
had missed him terribly. I doled out my handful of vitamins and four ibuprofen into my hand,
and then popped them into my mouth. From the fridge, I pulled out a bottle of OJ, taking
large swigs from the bottle. Let the day begin, I thought as I walked down the hall to the door.
The sound of my designer shoes on the travertine floors reminded me of the sound of cleats on
concrete. It made me smile, but the memory was bittersweet, and I pushed it aside. Behind
bittersweet was pure malice, an emotion I couldn't allow myself. Not today. Grabbing the keys to my Viper, I headed out the door.
Watch out Arizona, Zolt Hamil was back.
Ramblings...
Omg....I've just finished this book with my mouth hanging open, I'm completely speechless and i'm staring at my kindle thinking..what the hell happened here! Completely and utterly shocked, major cliffhanger. Damn you D.A Raver..why oh why...Even though I'm annoyed, maybe more frustrated (i'm sure i'm not the only one) on where you put the finally full stop but it properly was the most intriguing, curious and heart breaking part to put it. Now i'm dying to find our more...Sigh other than that i thoroughly in enjoyed it very much!
Let's rewind get back to the beginning... This book is great, it just draws you right in from the very first page, right in for the action, not a moment dragged in the book. I thought the pace of the book was just right for the story, all the up and downs, twist and turns at the right moments. Its one big mystery from the beginning, with a little thrill, like i was playing Cluedo, guessing what this crazy guy was up too. (I still don't have the whole picture). Have you guessing from point to point and have you on the edge once you get a gimps of it. Some of the things that came out was a shocker and a twist to the gut but you'll just have t find out for yourself, just a little warning to prepare you. ;)
Zolt's world changed since that terrible incident all that got him through was a pair of brown eyes. Now using drugs and sex to numb the pain, Zolt is never short of the female attention but he manage to capture the one attention he felt all so familiar yet he shouldn't have. Some times life take you on a little detour and brings you back to where you should be.
Irelyn, can never forget what happen on the pitch that very moment, where her world become sinking down to see what is laying in there in front of her. Since that day and the death of her brother, her world has changed from worst. Then that fine day, she sees that one person that she can't believe is right in front her eyes, yet they are now working under the same roof. Maybe she has finally find the courage and reason to face up her fear.
Zolt and Irelyn share a connection from a long time a go but didn't know who each other was until their recently in counter. All the memories came rushing back, marking all their dreams of each other becoming real, with strong feelings sparkle between them.
Even though the story is intriguing and makes you keep reading, i think the chemistry between Zolt and Irelyn isn't quite as strong as i hope. I was thinking more electrifying...however at the end did start to feel it...so i'm hoping the next book will give me that feeling.
Things happen for a reason, once you keep reading this you're know it all link together and this is just a small yet cruel world.
~ A bit about the author ~
Dawna Raver didn't always want to be a writer, but the voices in her head
keep sending her stories, ranging from new adult, romantic fantasy and contemporary romance.
When she's not
spending time in her fantasy world, Dawna loves football, reading, and pretending she's a top chef in the
kitchen. Oh, and fawning over her dogs and husband, sometimes in that order.
